A New, Sulkier Chapter Of My Life
So about 3-4 weeks ago, I’ve been blogging all night, not at home but at the hospital.
During the Holy Week, I was at the hospital because my grandmother was confined to have a PTBD (Percutaneous Transhepatic Biliary Drainage) acquired because her bile duct was blocked.
For about 2-3 weeks ago, I was the one flushing it with a needle-less syringe. “Flushing” is the term used to clean out the tube so that nothing blocks it.
But something expected yet unexpected happened two weeks ago.
I say expected because she had a terminal illness. She was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer Stage 4 on December 2011.
When I found out about that, my world crumbled. It’s like I was going to fall off a really really high roof or something.
I’m not a perfect granddaughter but I’m really close to her and I love her so much that after that moment, I just didn’t know what to do.
Going back to the whole unexpected thing. Her oncologist (cancer specialist) said she only had months to be with us. So we were all partially ready to let go.
But out of all honesty, in my part, I never thought that it would come this fast.
My grandmother passed away last April 29, 2012 at 8:13 am.
I went home the night before to take care of my baby cousin. I woke up at 5:45 am because there was someone knocking on the bedroom window. It was my aunt. My uncle who was in the same room as I and my cousin woke up and got dressed immediately.
And I thought to myself there was something wrong. Why leave so early in the morning? But my uncle just asked me to go back to sleep.
My brother woke me up at 6:30 am or something and we rushed to the hospital. The way they woke me up made me think there was really something wrong. So I brushed my teeth, took a really really quick shower, got dressed then left the house.
I got into the hospital room and saw my grandmother’s vitals through the cardiac monitor. All of them were faltering. I was mind blown.
Until one by one, it all slowly went down. Her heart rate went to zero. Her pulse was lost. She had no more blood pressure. Then she just stopped breathing.
Everything on the cardiac monitor was a flat line. Like it was drawn with a ruler.
I never thought I’d see something like that. I thought it only happened in movies or something.
I was just there by her bedside standing, staring at the cardiac monitor, mouth-gaped. Until my tears started falling. My world once again crumbled at my own feet.
Then it was made official. She did pass away on that Sunday at 8:13 am.
I said my goodbyes. Made some promises I know I will stay true to. And kissed her forehead as I always did before. When I saw that she passed away with a smile on her face, I knew then that she was happy and that I had to be happy as well.
I went home. I didn’t stay any further. I went to sleep, hoping to dream of her. But I didn’t.
It’s been almost two weeks.
To tell you the truth, I haven’t been doing anything right. I haven’t been productive.
I mean, I go out of the house just to get my mind off things but everywhere I go, I’m reminded of my grandmother.
I’ve been trying to move on. Or at least, get used to her not being around. But when I try to, it’s all unwillingness inside me.
I’ve been asking myself if I would still be like this until college. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I might be. At least for the first year or so.
I don’t know how to go on. How to move on. How to laugh. How to keep a smile on my face without my grandmother around.
She was my greatest, unquestionable inspiration and I know in myself that she will forever be.
The only things that keep me moving on now are the memories of her and the promises I made to her.
Thank you for all your prayers and for all of your concern for myself, my family, and for my grandmother. May God bless all of you!
I love you Mama! Thank you for everything you’ve done for me!
May you rest in peace with God and with all our other departed loved ones!
I miss you so much!
♥ - Leidee
More than thankful to have them as my “brothers” :) #cousinbondingtime (Taken with instagram)
Missing high school like heck! :(( #senioryear (Taken with instagram)
I …
They said I have to prepare myself.
They said I have to be ready for whatever could happen.
They said I have to learn not to get too attached to things and people.
They said I have to accept the fact that nothing lasts forever.
They said I have to learn how to say goodbye.
But, you see, I don’t know how to go on if someone really important to me really has to go.
I don’t know where to go from that moment.
I don’t think I’ll ever be prepared.
Now, this is what I ask of whoever is reading this:
Please pray for my grandmother. Please pray that she gets well. All I ask for is a miracle. The only cure I REALLY believe in now is prayer - from anyone who means good intention.
Thank you.
♥ - Leidee
I just realized I haven’t blogged about Diamond’s Farewell Party :)
March 23, 2012.
We had our class day in the afternoon. It was an afternoon full of laughter. Full of smiles. Full of memories. Full of tears.
We, Seniors, were reminiscing. It seemed like it was only yesterday that we were little children, running around the halls and the quadrangle. Not giving a damn about anything going around us. It was those times that everything was just fun. We knew we had nothing to worry about other than studying. To us, it was merely about going to school and having fun with our friends.
In my 10 years of stay in SJA, I found the greatest people I could call my friends. And here I thought that I wouldn’t survive elementary or high school because I was so damn shy. But there came to a point that I broke out of my shell.
But on Mar. 23, everything seemed so slow for me. Yeah, we were all preoccupied with so many things. But everything around me seemed to slow down. Maybe it was because that was officially our last day in school despite the fact that we had two more days with each other in school.
The class day brought memories to us. As if they were just fresh. And for another day, I felt the Seniors’ love for one another.
We all went home at 4 or 5 in the afternoon. There was a party prepared for us at Jollibee Roosevelt. After all the tears and laughters shared with our fellow Seniors, we then spent our night with our Diamond family.
It was epic. No words could actually describe that day. We were just all happy. Yet somehow sad for it was a farewell party.
You know what made it great for me? I was able to face my greatest fear :) Confronting my feelings. Knowing that there was nothing more. (No more further elaborations for this)
It was overall awesome. Spending time with the awesomest family I could have in my high school life. My Senior year ended wonderfully. Cause I spent it with the most wonderful people I could have in my life.
I will forever miss them. And I will forever cherish them in my life.
Senior Year is the best!
♥ - Leidee
Giving my heart a break.
This blog was inspired by Demi Lovato’s song, Give Your Heart A Break :)
So. Probably everyone who knows me knows that I like so many people. See, that’s where I’m going at. I just realized how freaking hard it is to like so many people at the same time.
I’ve experienced being in the friend zone. That’s cause I never admitted anything to anyone I really really like. But honestly, I just put myself in a harder situation right now. Befriending the person I really like just so we could be close and just so we could get to know each other better.
You see, if I knew it would come to this point, I never even would have tried to get close. I never would’ve been ever so willing for us to get to know each other and just be close.
And at the same time, I’m with somebody. Somebody who loves me. Somebody who I LOVED. Out of all honesty, some part of me still loves him. But like he said, “You have more time for other people rather than you have time for me.”
I made him hope and wait for nothing. His efforts have just gone to waste. All of them. And I’m ever so dumb to do that. I could have warned him or something. Right? I mean, I knew it back then that I already loved somebody else.
I thought it would work out. I thought I could still bring back my feelings for him. Well, I’m sorry. I’m just stupid that way :\
This is what it feels like to finally hurt somebody. I’ve been hurt before and I know what it feels like. But I never meant to hurt anyone. Most especially him.
Then add to the fact that I know I’ve offended someone really special. I didn’t freaking mean it! I’m just really like that.
There’s this side to me that wants some silence. Peace. Loneliness. Call me a weirdo or whatever. But I’m just really moody. There are times that I’m just really happy then the next second, I become really bitchy.
And that’s why people sometimes misinterpret and misunderstand me. I mean no harm to anyone. Most especially to my friends.
This is where I was wrong. I was wrong to show someone the quirky, weird, jolly side of me. To show them that I’m really jolly during the first meeting gives them the first impression that I don’t need some alone time - time to think, time to just put this noisy world of mine into silence.
The reason for the blog’s title? I’ve decided to give my heart a break. Enough of the heart breaks. Enough of me breaking hearts.
I think I just need some time with just me. It was just me before. Why not now?
“Don’t wanna break your heart
Wanna give your heart a break
I know you’re scared it’s wrong
There’s just so much you can take
So let me give your heart a break.”
♥ - Leidee
Will you help me?
tell me what you want from me
Can you help me?
tell me why you wanna leave,
baby help me, cuz without you my whole world is falling apart,
and with out you I think I’ll go crazy,
lifes a prison when you’re in alone.
(oh girl I love you), need you to come back home,
(you know i need you), I dont want to be alone
LSS for the past 3 days :)
I miss my friends beyond doubt. I want to cry :’( And I got into a little misunderstanding with someone very, very important to me.
New look for the blog :)
I REALLY MISS TUMBLR! :)
♥ - Leidee
- Kurt: You make your sauce for Kurt.
- Ed: Who's Kurt?
- Kurt: I'm Kurt!
- Ed: I'm Ed!
- Kurt: I'm aware.
- Ed: You said you were Kurt?
Source: buddhabob
We had our field trip on January 26. FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN! :D
Feb. 12, 2012 was our very last JS Prom :) It was good but not as great as my JS Prom as a Junior :D Jon McLaughlin’s SO CLOSE!
On Feb. 18, 2012, I was the busiest person ever. I first went to SJC-QC to attend the school’s fair with my cousins and my brother. Then my friends and I went out :D We went to Market!Market! to go to Shakey’s to conduct a little interview with the branch manager and two other personnel. Then after that we went to Bonifacio High Street which I already blogged about before :D
Feb. 22, 2012. On that date, I met a person as equally crazy and jolly and weird as myself. The only difference we have may be the moodiness. I don’t think she’s as moody as I am. I don’t even think her mood shifts as easy as mine. Usually, as I’ve noticed, she’s all happy.
On Feb. 24, 2012, I finally moved on from a crush I never even talked about here. That’s because I don’t really want to talk about that person. I’m not bitter. It’s just that that person is a very, very close and dear friend of mine.
The SMCC Quiz Bee came around February 29. And I performed again for the Glee Club :) The Man Who Can’t Be Moved ♥ Overall, it was a good performance. That was my last performance ever as a St. Johnite. Then there was our corporate pictorial on the same day :) GROUP 4 FOR THE WIN! :D
And then for almost a month, we’ve all been busy with exams. We had ours earlier because we are graduating seniors.
After all the unending completion of requirements, we finally had to practice for our graduation and our class day.
So on March 23, 2012, it was finally our class day. Believe it or not, I managed to dance in front of so many people. 80’s! I MANAGED TO DANCE! WHAT?!
There also came to a point in that program where we had to bring the teachers up the stage and sing them a song to thank them. And despite the fact that we don’t really know some of them personally, they still cried. Sadly, my adviser wasn’t around. THROUGH THE YEARS ♥
After our class day, we had a kiddie party at Jollibee Roosevelt! Diamond’s Farewell Party :( But it was fun fun fun! :D And I went home at 11 pm. SAY WHAT?! Yes, 11 pm! :D I can’t believe I managed to go home all alone from Greenhills to my house :D
Then there was Monday, Mar. 26, 2012. And I was almost late in the morning. Recognition day for a few of my dearest friends :) It was probably one of the best days of my life. The person I was talking about on Feb. 22, I finally had the courage to speak to her. Because days before that, I was always oh-so pissed that I was never in the mood to talk to her. And I gave away parting gifts! :D I’m so glad they all liked their gifts :)
Mar. 27, 2012. No classes. But I called my friend over the phone and we talked about random things for almost 3 hours :)
Our last day in school was officially on Wednesday, Mar. 28, 2012. The day of our graduation. But in the morning, we first had our Baccalaureate Mass. And I almost wasn’t able to attend because I woke up really late. And I wasn’t feeling too good :\ But I managed to arrive in the nick of time :)
After the mass, the school prepared free breakfast for us :) Pancit. Puto. Coffee (for others it was orange juice) And my friend saw us eating the free breakfast and she wanted some but didn’t come near me to ask for some. I honestly couldn’t finish eating all of the pancit. But the coffee honestly woke me up because I was still sleepy.
Then I went straight to Greenhills because my cousin also celebrated his graduation day :) We were all in our school uniforms except for my brother who didn’t go to school cause he wasn’t needed there. Cousin bonding time again! And a trip to Fully Booked Promenade :)
Then at around 2 pm, we went home because I had to prepare for my graduation. But then, I became dizzy so I “rested”. The truth is, I just called my friend and spoke to her for half an hour or so :) I’m awesome! :D
Then graduation came. And I couldn’t contain my happiness. And my sadness.
I’m happy for graduating and surviving a decade in SJA as a St.Johnite. But then again, I’m really really sad because I don’t know what lies ahead in college. I know I won’t always be able to see my friends. Or be with them. Or be able to talk to them. I know we will all be busy with adjusting and complying with our college lives. And that alone makes me really sad.
Then there was Mar. 29, 2012. Graduation of my friend aka “anak”. And I almost wasn’t able to come because I was feeling so freaking bad. But then again, I still went despite the rain and my constant dizziness. I went with one of my best friends and a dear friend of mine :) I gave her another gift. Yes, I’m weird that way. But I was so glad to see her. Congratulations, Salutatorian! :)
Then there was April 4. Cards out :) And I’m ever so glad to be able to get my card :) 88.0 average makes me beyond happy :) I also went out with my friends. After which, I went to CSMC because my grandmother was confined.
On April 10, I went to UST to pass my academic credentials. And for all of your information, I - unfortunately but willingly - will take up AB-BES for the next four years of my life. But, for your information again, after 3 years of graduating and working, I will study again for BS Architecture :) I don’t know how and where but yes, I will be doing that. And with God’s grace, everything will hopefully go to plan.
She was there for a week and a day. And it was only yesterday, April 11, that I was able to go home :)
But I also went to Timezone for the last two days and played with my brother :) National Siblings Day! :D Bonding time! :)
And that’s actually it. I’ve been really busy. Obviously :) But I’m glad I finally have time now :) Hopefully, I still have time when I get to college :)
I MISS TUMBLR! :)
♥ - Leidee
Hi I'm Leidee :)